This Is My Journal

blahjazmyne @ 2009-12-16T19:44:00

2009-12-17T03:44:59Z

Im dying inside.
Every particle of my being is ripping apart.
The pain is unbearable.
[Please god, let it be my turn]

blahjazmyne @ 2009-11-10T13:06:00

2009-11-10T21:07:22Z

I want it so bad.
It hurts so much.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-11-02T18:58:00

2009-11-03T02:59:40Z

Not sure what I want to happen anymore.
Not like it matters.
I exist a little less everyday.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-10-20T13:11:00

2009-10-20T21:01:03Z

So, Ive got about 40 minutes before I have to go to my next class.
I guesss Ill just try and do an update like old times?

Cant remember my last update of substance so Ill just start where I can think of..

Nevermind, Im just going to write what Ive been feeling lately. This is a "journal" afterall.

My life is so strange, some days I feel alright, I wake up and go take care of everything I have to do and dont think a whole lot, like clockwork. Eventually I get home and do whatever is required that day before I pop a sleeping pill and go to sleep. I wouldnt call the day good or bad, it just.. happened. Other days Im a complete wreck. My brain just overloads with sadness and sickness. It hurts so bad to know everything I think about myself is wrong, but not be able to see it. Ive been told Im beautiful, smart, kind, all good things since the day I was born. But when I look at myself or think of myself I do not see this at all. Surely I can look at myself and honestly say that yeah, I was infact blessed with good genes, Im not perfect, but I do happen to be more attractive then a good percentage of people, Im no genious, but my teachers will be the first to tell you Im defenitely an intellectual, I really am nice to every single person I meet, I dont judge, I dont hate, I forgive those who do wrong by me and accept anyone who wants to talk to me regardless of their looks, sexuality, religion, political views, you name it, Im all for it if it makes you happen. Im not too good for anyone, no one is below me. Im unique and defenitely one of a kind. Truth be told Im a pretty extraordinary person, when looking at me through others eyes. But no matter how much I try to tell myself these things, these facts, I look at myself and see ugly, fat, stupid, unworthy, stereotype, bitch, useless. I am 100% dissatisfied with myself. No matter what I look like that day, what I have to do, who Im with, nothing can bring me up. Its really really r.e.a.l.l.y starting to get to me. Its one thing to say youre depressed and have an image distortion disorder, But to be able to admit its not just a phase is hard to do. Ive known all this for, going on 10 years now...[remember when it was only 3?] [Ive been through a lot since the beginnings of my lj relationship] So Im accepting that Im just messed up and I cant fix myself no matter how hard I try to convince myself that Im going to start being happy, that Im going to start loving my self and accept things because some things cant change. The fact of the matter is Im sick. I cant just wish it away. I cant will it away. Im broken, when god made me he used scotch tape instead of glue and I quickly came undone So, Im starting anti depressents in November [Im supposed to start them in, 2 weeks ago, but honestly, I want to do E on Halloween so Im going to wait to start them, if I have to grow up I might as well get one last hoorah] Once I start them its still goint to take over 6 weeks to get me on the right dosage and everything, probably longer even, but in the end Im hoping its all going to be worth it. I figure for only $10 every 3 months, its defenitely worth a try. Its kinda sad saying goodbye to drugs and alcohol, but you know what, lasting happiness is so much more important to me than a night of fun. Not to mention, it will only benefit me to get off all that bs since I want to start a family as soon as possible. Also, my social outlook in life has been so shattered by drugs, I have no idea how to hang out with people without taking something. Its been so long since Ive just hung out with people. gone and done something fun sober. I hate it. [Keep in mind Im not quitting pot, but Ive been turning it down a lot lately when Im around people, I need to unnumb myself and learn to enjoy the sober side of life]
I dont know whats really going to happen with these anti depressants, I dont really know how it works. I dont know if its just going to numb me, or if its going to go as far as to help me see the real me. Visually, emotionally, the whole shebang. This hatred and disgust Ive carried for myself for so long has hindered every aspect of my life for so long. I have made myself nonexistant in the lives of friends, too scared to make a move and make plans, assuming if theyre not calling me, its because they dont want me around, and it would only be annoying if I tried to call them [unfortunately this was proven true to me at one point and it has hurt me more then words can express] I have zero sex drive because I find myself utterly unattractive, which has hurt my relationship with my husband, granted I dont dislike sex or anything, Im all for it, I just cant bring myself to innitiate it, I dont even think about it, why the fuck would he want me? I even questioned his intentions, thinking he wanted me only to get off and not because he loves me and actually wants to be close to me. Ive been in the same bs job for over 3 years because Im too scared to apply at places that would "never want me" Ive never persued so many things because Ill never be good at it. Ive never taken up an instrument because if Im not automatically good at something, Ill never learn because I get too frusterated with my failures that I just give up before I get the chance to fail again. I cant wrap my brain around the fact that failure is only part of practice makes perfect. I want to sing but Ive never even gotten close to persuing it in any way, I emailed a few people on craigslist, but when they wrote back with numbers to call I cant get myself to pick up the phone. Except I was singing for my church as a kid, and that was only because my parents were involved in it and it was an automatic in. Theres so much I want to do but I cant bring myself to do it because I am not worth it, Ill never be able to do it, Im too stupid, ugly, pathetic.

..Anyways, Im kinda done talking about that right now.. Its just getting me down.

Things with Dylan are amazing. Ive known it from the beginning and I know it now, hes the one Im going to spend the rest of my life with. Hes an incredible husband, he works his ass off doing everything he can to take care of us and our future. He is completely selfless and he loves me. Me?! I am so blessed to have met him at such a young age. Without him I have zero doubt in my mind that I would have been gone years ago. I am so excited to build a family with him and watch it grow. Hes going to be an amazing father someday and I only hope I can be even half the spouse that he is.

Alright well I guess its time to go.
All my love,
-Jazmyne

blahjazmyne @ 2009-10-13T12:32:00

2009-10-13T19:36:52Z

~~i cant do it anymore.~~

~~.get me out of here~~

Livejournal;;

2009-09-22T20:44:11Z

Dear Livejournal, lets have a talk.

So, seeing as youve been around for several years of my life now, you and my infamous [afakesmile] lj, you know I clearly have several issues.
Besides the obvious [Im crazy] issue, theres so much more.
Well livejournal, Im ready for a change.
Granted, Ive BEEN ready, just havnt been able to change.
Well, fuck that, Im GOING to change, and if I have to kill my old self in the process, Ill do it.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel loved.
I want to enjoy my life.
I want to feel beautiful.
I only get one shot and the first 20 years have flown by without me even noticing it.
And at least half of that 20 years Ive been completely miserable.

Here I am, 20 years old, happily married to the man of my dreams who treats me like a mother fucking Queen and works his ass off every single day to do his part of providing for us and our future, and I couldnt be prouder to be his wife.
I have great friends who actually give a shit about me and would never leave my side in a time of need.
I have an amazing family that always have and always will be there for me, even through hard times on both sides.
I have a job, granted theres a lot of bs going on there but the fact of the matter is I HAVE an income, even if its not enough, any is a hell of a lot more than a lotttt of people right now.
My parents are providing an education for me so I can thrive after graduation and actually have a shot at security.
I have a roof over my head and a car in my name.
I have my health.

My life is amazing, as far as lives go. Sure things could be better, but I dont want to dwell on what COULD be anymore.
I could be tall
I could be a beauty queen
I could be rich
I could be smart
I could be thin
I could be funny
I could be..

I could be anyone fucking else, and you know what, 99% of the time I wish I was, but guess what..

IM NOT

Im me, and Im me for a reason, and I just need to learn that just because myspace makes someone elses life look perfect, its not, no ones life is perfect, mine probably looks perfect from the outside too, but look how crazy and miserable I am? I worked hard for what Ive got and Ill continue to work hard to get what I want.

Everything happens for a reason, believe in this and you will succeed.
Everything you want in life will be there tomorrow, just sit tight, grit your teeth, and keep doing what you gotta do. No ones going to do it for you,and if you dont do it, youll never succeed.

Change is inevitable; Progress however, is optional

[p.s.]
You are beautiful, even if you dont feel like it, even if you think you dont look like it, whats inside is what counts and inside you shine. You dont care what people think of you,so why do you care so much about what YOU think of you? Let it Be.

Such is Life.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-09-11T18:11:00

2009-09-12T01:12:11Z

p.s.
IloveRaves
Holyeffingshit

][Ihavebecomecomfortablynumb][

As of today;;

2009-08-28T20:15:13Z

Im 20.
Happy.
In college.
Employed.
Cared about by many.
In the best shape of my life.
Living with my fantastic family.
Still married to the man of my dreams.
Blessed with a core group of wonderful friends.

On the outside, my life is perfect.

[And you know what?]
[Right now thats good enough for me]

blahjazmyne @ 2009-06-26T00:33:00

2009-06-26T07:39:22Z

Update; but not so much.

Mostly just a hello to the livejournal world.
I know Ive mastered the art of disapearing [yeah I dont know how to spell that]
Me and the Hubby leave for Yosemite on Sunday for our year late honeymoon =]
Annd then Im taking a much deserved extra week off after that [Thats right, 2 weeks of NO RITE AID!] since I have sooooo much vacation time added up since I never take a day off haha. So I better use it before it goes away.
Anyways, I might be getting a piercing job which I am so beyond stoked about since its what Ive wanted to do or like, ever. [Did I mention this already?]
Umm, everyone I know is pregnant and its killing me. I am seriously dying here. But Im keeping myself together. I mean come on, I gotta at least get out of my parents house before I take on a baby... right?
Ok but other then crying on a daily basis because I want a baby so bad, all is well.
Ive been thinking too much lately and its dragging me down like it always does.

Uh.
Ok Bye.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-04-29T17:31:00

2009-04-30T00:32:38Z

Newest Tattoo;;
April 28th, 2009;;
Jacobbbb;;

Camping

2009-04-11T23:36:16Z

Got our asses rained out of our tent last night, but it was still hella fun, and so was today, hiking, fishing, and such. The boys caught like 10 cat fish.
I have a really fucking awesome group of homies right now and I am quite happy with life.
Breaks already over on Monday, Im back at the Alpine RA [ meh =/ ], aaaaaaand, Im getting a new tatt on the 28th, which is my sisters 18th birthday, and my other sister turned 11 yesterday.
Dayummmm.
OHHHHHH and Karli was here for a week, with her frind Renee, who was awesome as well, and that was amazing, I miss her so effing much.

Okay, well yeah Peace out.
<33

Updaaateeeeee

2009-04-03T06:49:35Z

Ok, so, to sum it up.
Whens the last time I updated? Besids last night..
Well basically, like I said, past few weeks Ive been getting some extra hours by working at the La Mesa store as well as the Alpine store. Its stressing me out even more than I already was, working 40 hours on top of 6 classes is pretty intense, but, you gotta do what you gotta do to get by.
I ran out of gas twice in one week.
I honestly cant even be mad about the terrible luck Ive been having, because really, its just so comical. Im just making the most of whats being handed to me and pushing through with a smile. Even if its a smile of hysteria.
Next week Im taking the whole week off from the Alpine store to work a solid 40 hours at the La Mesa store, instead of splitting it up between the two. So thats cool. I love being back at the La Mesa store, I love all the people there and just the overall atmosphere. Its not even like work when Im there. So next week will be work, and catching up on all of my class reading, Im going to be really concentrating on my classes now. Ive been lagging on them because of my financial and physical unwelness, schools deffenitely taken a back seat to everything else lately, but now its time to re-evaluate the balance of my life and take steps to improve it overall.
Ive been really at peace lately.
Ever since my vow to ban hate and bad vibes from my life, everythings just been better. Even when it seems like its falling apart, I am finally able to let it roll off my chest and deal with it without freaking out.
Im at a really mentally healhy point in my life despite it all.
Im actually proud of myself for keeping it all together the best I can.
Dont get me wrong, Ive had a few freak outs, but its been quite limited and under control.

Anyways, Dylan turns 20 this Sunday, just another reminder that life is moving forward whether Im realizing or not. Crazy to think Im going to be 20 in just a few months.
I have grown in so many different ways over the past few years, and it has been such a gradual change that I dont even realize it till Im settled in it already.

What else is there?

Karli is visiting for a week =] =] =]
So thats awesome, Ive missed her terribly.
Me and Bree plan [again] to quit smoking when Karli leaves, Im sure Bree can do it since shes got the added drive of her boy pushing her to quit. My only motivation is myself, and I really hope I can do it. I really do want to, as much as I dont. But, the bottom line is its terribly unhealthy and a decade+ of knowingly hurting my body is enough.

Wish me luck.

Well I guess thats it really. Im sure I could babble with boringness forever, but, its already almost midnight and I want to read a bit before I go to bad.

Godnight my Loves <33

blahjazmyne @ 2009-04-01T22:36:00

2009-04-02T05:42:35Z

Oh Life, how you make me laugh.
Things have been, entertaining to say the least, lifes deffenitely keeping me on my toes.
Working at both Alpine and La Mesa trying to get more money in the bank so I can stop being negative.

Kristins here, finish update later.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-03-15T19:17:00

2009-03-16T02:20:38Z

So, lets see.

Friday the 13th// Work, Hung with Kristin and Jace, Thats it?
Saturday the 14th// Work.
Sunday the 15th// Work, new tires, food, V for Ventetta, hanging with the Hubby.

In other news, my brother-in-law Derek is ENGAGED to the coolest bitch ever, K, whom I adore.
So thats pretty fucking awesome.
Im so excited!

Yeah thats it ha.
Maybe I should update weekly?
Not much goes on in my life besides work and school.

blahjazmyne @ 2009-03-12T21:10:00

2009-03-13T04:14:16Z

Yesterday;
Went to school, gave Monet a ride home, redyed my hair [super awesome red] picked up Michelle, went to Gabes, Amber joined us, we then decided to come to my place and smoke while watching The Wizard Of Oz to Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon.
It was sick.
Today;
School, picked up Luella from ballet, made dinner and ate, now were[Me, Dylan, Mom and Dad] are watching the Matrix, and Ill probably smoke and go to bed after that.
Woohoo?

Anything new and exciting with anyone else?

blahjazmyne @ 2009-03-10T23:42:00

2009-03-11T07:07:13Z

Here it is :: The Short Version.

Friday::
-Work
-Going away party thing for Justin,
-Whiskey
-Coors Light
-Marijuana.
-People
-Cheslea <33
-Dalia from Canada
-Alcohol Poisoning
-Not me
-Being the Party Mom
-Puke
-Bathtub
-Puke
-Puke
-Puke
-Unconscious
-Puke
-Gabe saves the day!
-Bedroom
-Unconscious
-Puke
-Bedtime.
Despite being pulled from the party an hour in to take care of the poor girl, it was a good night, I was just glad she was ok.

Saturday::
-Chelsea & several others who had stayed the night
-Hubby gets pizza at 9 am
-Marijuana
-The Changeling
-Robin Hood: Men In Tights
-Work
-Japaul
-Amber, Vince, Josh, Brooke
-Whiskey
-Druuuuunk Husbands
-Wrestling
-Puke
-Blood
-Wives in Action
-Two adults, one couch
Another good/interesting/fun day in the life of Jazmyne.

Sunday::
-Last one up
-Home
-Work
-Research Paper
-Sick
-Sleep

Monday::
-Jury Duty
-Miss a math exam
-Read half a book
-Let go early
-Social Security
-Crap
-Get lost finding..
-County Clerk
-New Marriage Certificate
-Social Security
-New ss card in the mail
-Officially Mrs. Durazo
-DMV
-Lines
-100 more pages in book
-Waiting
-New picture
-New license in the mail
-Washington Mutual
-New account
-Funny teller
-New debit card in the mail
-Daniels Market
-Milk, Diet Coke, Creamer, Cigarettes
-Home
-Food
-Work
Ay Carumba, This day was crazy, I was running around town like a mad woman

Tuesday::
-Alarm doesnt go off, miss biology
-Get ready and get to school in time for..
-History
-Music
-At least 2 miles of walking, waiting.
-Choir
-The Potas Place
-Food
-Home
-This
Yay?

Thats about it ha.
Ok, Ima probably go to beddddd now.
Peace,
xoxoJazzy

Accomplished.

2009-03-10T01:10:29Z

Update to fallow tonight or tomorrow hopefully.

Bahda Bababa. Im lovin it!

2009-03-06T10:06:56Z

SO lets see, today ::
Went on my way to school early for once in my life, so, as a punishment for being on time I got pulled over. Yes folks, I got pulled over and got a speeding ticket AGAIN!
In my defense, my speedometer is BROKEN and there were NO other cars even near me so I had not even the slightest idea how fast I was going. [62 in a 45, on the way to Rancho, easy to do]
But if you know me you know Im one of those people that gets a ticket EVERYTIME I get pulled over. I mean seriously, everyone else I know who has been pulled over has gotten warnings like 90% of the time, but nottttt me. Oh well, it is infact my fault for speeding.
I swear on my life I have been trying SO hard not to speed. Sooooo so sossooooo hard. But apparently Im physically incapable of it. So, Im seriously considering public transportation and maybe even selling my car. I cant take it anymore. It drives me crazy that I cant just SLOW DOWN! I try so hard! And it doesnt help that now my speedometer is broken.

Oh well, what are you gonna do right? Just keep trying to learn to drive slower.
Dylans pissed at me though. And he has a right to be.

Anyways, so went to school, that went fine I guess. The usual. Blah Blah ha.

Came home, ate a hot pocket, changed, went to work for a few hours, got off at 10:30, went to Dennys for Justins going away dinner [Party at my place tomorrow]. That was cool, it was me, Dylan, Justin, Adam, Cody, and Tommy. All of which I havnt seen since high school so that was really cool.

Now Im home with the Love of my Lifeeeeee.
So Im gonna go actually hang with him ha, what a concept?

Peace <33
-Jazzy

Again and again and again

2009-03-04T20:26:57Z

So, Ive decided I want to start posting everyday [we'll see how long that lasts] Ive been seeing life pass me by so fast lately that I feel I need something to remember it with. Myspace is basically my photo album, makes it easy, and livejournal can be my, well, journal haha. I must document my life before its gone and I dont remember the good times, the bad times, all the times that make me, me, and put me where Im at, at any given moment in time.

So, yeah =]

Last night after I posted I remembered a tonnnnnnn of stuff thats happened that I forgot to mention, I even went back and edited my entry, but then my internet crashed and my stupid ass restarted it and forgot that when you copy text it doesnt stay copied when you reboot. DUH! I learned that years ago! But whatev. Ill just have to start documenting now and hope the other memories stay in place.

So, todayyyyyyy woke my ass up at 5, got ready and went to school. Math went well, as well as math can go. Had an exam in Health, that Im pretty positive I passed with flying colors =] Amazing right?

Now Im all set and ready to clean side two of my room and do some homework. Involving starting a health research paper on Image Distortion Disorders. Woo, cant wait. First Ima make some food though.

Ive been on a writing binge lately [clearly]. Maybe Ill write a book or something so I dont bore you all to tears all the time =]

Much Love
-Jazzy <33

blahjazmyne @ 2009-03-04T01:22:00

2009-03-04T09:55:57Z

Ok, well I cant sleep worth shit since I had coffee at like 3pm, which turns out doesnt work out so well for me.
No biggy, I can just pull an all nighter if need be.
Guess Ill make a real update while Im at it.

So, when did I last update? November?

Well, Ill start at January since thats only 2 months of remembering haha.
So I planned for like 2 months in advance that I was going to quit smoking for New Years, however I said I could smoke when I drink [duh?] so I end up partying Jan. 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, which means, smoking all three nights, and then quit the rest of the week till Saturday when it was time to drive my cousin [Kirsten] to the train station after a family get together in Elsinore. Naturally half way to Elsinore my speedometer completely breaks, one second Im going 80, the next 0. So, that sucked, we make it to Elsinore in one piece though so thats good, then we leave to go drop of Kirsten and her friend, and as soon as I hop on the freeway my check engine light goes one, so we pull of and Kirstens friend pops the hood and we check the engine and shit and everything seems ok so we get back on the freeway and are now right on schedule, since we'd left like 15 minutes early the first time. Anyways, within a minute we hit madddd traffic and end Kirsten ends up calling up her friends in the eare, long story short, I started amoking again. So we get the Kirsten situation settled and Bree and I go on our way to Long Beach to visit our Lady Friends Kady and Sarah [sisters]. Which, as were pulling into our destination I realize my gas gauge is now ALSO broken, it starts freaking outonce youve got less than half a tank, it turns wherever you turn. Annnnddddd, my mile counter has apparently been broken for months, so basically the only thing that works on my dash is RPM's and the temp gauge. But hey, I havent blown up yet right? Im waiting for my tax return so I can get all that shit checked out and hopefully fixed if I can afford it. So, anyways, we kick it in Long Beach with Our Girls, and its a tonnnn of fun, we stayed at their "aunts" house which is this crazy mansion on the beach, smoking bowls on the balcony and talking about everything and anything.I love those Girls and I cant wait to see them again. So, thats the first week of January haha.

On the 9th, Me, Bree, Kristin, and Jessica went to Disneyland and rolled, unfortunately sthe pills ended up sucking, but we had a serious heart to heart [as you usually do on E haha] in the car on the way back and it ended up being a really good time. The Seventeenth was Ambers bridal shower, which was cool. Met a lot of her girl friends and family. Had a bonfire with part of Flower Power [Minus Chelsea =/] on the 20th [Can you tell Im reading this off my calendar?] That was fun but there were some people I didnt know, and you know me little miss anti social [ok so maybe I was hella stoned and that had something to do with it?] But this guy had these bomb gummy things from Costco or something, which they ended up burning, which was sad but whatev, I got a pack so its cool ha.

The 31st was Ambers bachelorette party, and how about..Holy Shit, I was fucking plastered. Now my version of the night apparently is different than Ambers version of the night, but what we do know is that it invloved a lot of shots, multiple [as in liike 20] mixed drinks and hella bong loads. Me and Amber ended up having a bonding moment puking out the same window [I dont think Ive mentioned it yet but I love this bitch to death] and the night ended with some girl fetching my phone so my husband could come rescue my drunk ass from Justins window haha. Despite how trashed I was I woke up the next morning at 9 feeling fantastic and the night was a tonnn of fun, I made some new friends and that was cool. Ill pretty much remember that night forever, at least the parts I can remember, and the parts Amber tells me that I dont remember haha. Oh life.

OH YEAH! Backtrack, the 26th school started up again, this is another reason why I am still a smoker. Im taking 6 classes. Mon/Wed - Math and Health. Tues- Biology, History, Music, and Choir, and Thursday is the same as Tuesday just no choir. So, yeah, pretty fucking full load, not to mention working part time and trying to be a good wife [Yeah, I have to clean and shit]. So clearly I havnt had much time for a social life, but Im making due. Been hanging with Amber and Vince a lot since Vince and Dylan are such great homies and Me and Amber are too. That worked out nicely.

Anyways, on to February. February 5th was me and Dylans 3 year anniversary. Cant hardley believe it. The best 3 years of my life. Despite all the ups and downs of everything around me, he is my constant, my rock, my True Love. Without him, everything would have fallen apart years ago. On the 7th Amber and Vince made it official. Yay! The wedding was beautiful and only somewhat dramatic ha. Seeing Amber, Vince, and Little Vinnie all up there together brought tears to my eyes, they are a beautiful family. Ive been feeling ridiculously maternal lately, all I can think about is how much I want to be a mommy, but times are tough and I can barely pay the rent let alone for a baby. But its ok, my time will come =] Dylan called the Yosemite people and our "honeymoon" is all set and ready to go. Four days in Yosemite the first week of July. Its going to be sooo awesome I can hardley stand it!

Oh yeah and my sister Bree is all mushy gushy and in love with this guy Zach, who I totally approve of. So, thats awesome, Im really happy for her. For them. I hope they both get as much as possible out of their relationship.

I ended up going hella back in LJ today since Ive been absent from it for so long, and then I did it with myspace too since Ive only really answered messages and done some surveys and shit on there, it made me miss a lot of stuff. Now that Ive let go of the bs I even miss Alexandra and all the really good times we did have. I miss high school when times were simple, even though I didnt know it. I miss driving 120mph with no seatbelt on and not being afraid. Just being worryless.But at the same time I was so hallow back then. Ive grown so much since graduation I dont even know that girl anymore. I mean, Im still me, only... better?

Ive been really bummin with my job lately, but I cant get a new one anywhere. I just wish theyde use me like my other job did. I am capable of so much more than just sitting behind a register and puching in numbers. But whatev. Thats what Im in college for right?

AnyWAYS! Way to drop into woe is me mode at the end there haha.
My life really is going great, stressful and jam packed, but great none the less.

I should really probably try and sleep again now, gotta be up at 5! Eek!

So, peace out Lovelys.

Lemme know whats going on in your life?

New Me.

2009-03-04T05:46:04Z

So, today I had an epiphany.
A big epiphany.

I realized what a hypocrite I am, not that Ive ever denied being a hypocrite, but today I saw what a big one Ive been lately.
Bree messaged me saying how shed seen Alexandra at school, I asked if shed seen her and she said she thought so but she'd just passed by [twice?] and said nothing etc. And of course I said something to the effect of dumb cunt this, immature that. And directly after sending it, I was in a bitter mood already. I then realized that Ive been preaching peace and love, but spewing hate. Granted Ive claimed up and down that Alexandra is the only person in the world that I hate, but even the smallest amount of hate brings on a huge amount of bad energy, bad energy that I do not want or need in my life.
If I am going to claim a life of Peace and Love, I am going to live it.
I am going to start living truly lovingly.

Now you all know Im no Bible thumper, but these verses from Luke are what I want to be.

[[Luke 6:27-31

[27] "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, [28] bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. [29] If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. [30] Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. [31] Do to others as you would have them do to you." ]]

What good does hate do me? Nothing, not a single thing. All it does is bring me down. The people I hate dont care if I hate them, they probably feel good about themselves knowing I still think about them, even if its negatively.

I am here by letting go of EVERY wrong that has ever been done to me, and asking forgiveness for every wrong Ive done to others.
Im starting fresh, I am a new me, I am FREE of hate and FREE of anger and FREE of bad energy.

Now this doesnt mean Im about to try and add all the people Im not friends with anymore on myspace or anything, Im just FORGIVIVING them, whether they want it or not. And I dont expect to be forgiven back, or anything of the sort. This is for me and me only. And I feel better just knowing that I am not holding any grudges or hateful thoughts anymore.

"For I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you CAN change
And the bird you CAN change
And the bird you CAN change
Lord knows I CAN change"

blahjazmyne @ 2008-11-18T00:59:00

2008-11-18T08:59:44Z

Were you faking it the whole time?

blahjazmyne @ 2006-03-06T16:30:00

2006-03-07T00:27:41Z

So basically.
New Journal.
Friends Only

ADD TO BE ADDED =)